Stang
10-13-2005, 18:36
I read these over at Frugals and laughed so hard I had to share them with you guys...Credit goes to Slash257th & Triton
enjoy...oh and try not to read this at work or you might shit in your pants from laughing.
TO POOP AT WORK...from Slash257th...
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunctionwith an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
From Triton,
And the types you might experience... http://forums.frugalsworld.com/ubb/ubbhtml/eek.gif
Ghost Shit:
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper but no shit in the bowl. Sometimes referred to as Torpedo Shit by those who hear a splash.
Teflon Shit:
Comes out so slick, easy and clean that you don't feel it. No traces on the toilet paper. You have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it.
Gooey Shit:
This has the consistency of hot tar and leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. You wipe your arse 19 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so it doesn't stain.
Second thought Shit:
You're done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realise .... there's more to come.
Pop a vien in your forehead Shit:
The kind that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty and trembling and purple from straining too hard.
Diet Shit:
You shit so much you lose 10 kilos.
Right now Shit:
You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong/Commode Choker Shit:
This is BIG. So big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into small pieces (a coat hanger works well). This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit:
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a huge splash that gets your arse all wet.
Wish Shit:
You sit there all cramped up with a pain in your guts, and fart a few times, but still you don't shit.
Cement lock/ OH GOD Shit:
After you've started this, you'll wish you had an epidural first.
Snake Shit:
This is fairly soft, about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long. Also known as Mr. Wippy when performed outdoors by creative people. Has the potential to become a Torpedo Shit.
Cork Shit/ Floater:
Even after the third flush it is still there. My God how do I get rid of it - the bloody thing is unsinkable! Another one that usually happens at someone else's house.
Volcano Shit:
Like shitting sulphuric acid. Beware of letting any sweat trickle between the cheeks of your arse for the next few days or so. Not safe to eat until your arse stops burning (in fact this is how Mexicans know they are hungry).
Beer Shit:
One of the worst kinds of shit, and also one of the most common. It happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. You spray the bowl from top to bottom so that it looks like it has been blasted with a shotgun loaded with oregano and you wonder how your arsehole could point in so many directions at once. Then you discover that there is bugger all toilet paper and no loo brush to clean the bowl. If you're in a combined toilet/bathroom, there is usually someone standing outside waiting to use it after you. Another kind of shit that usually happens at someone else's house.
http://forums.frugalsworld.com/ubb/ubbhtml/biggrin.gif
__________________
Triton
ps...Hey Haole ...now we know what really happened to the King :bigsmile:
enjoy...oh and try not to read this at work or you might shit in your pants from laughing.
TO POOP AT WORK...from Slash257th...
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunctionwith an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
From Triton,
And the types you might experience... http://forums.frugalsworld.com/ubb/ubbhtml/eek.gif
Ghost Shit:
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper but no shit in the bowl. Sometimes referred to as Torpedo Shit by those who hear a splash.
Teflon Shit:
Comes out so slick, easy and clean that you don't feel it. No traces on the toilet paper. You have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it.
Gooey Shit:
This has the consistency of hot tar and leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. You wipe your arse 19 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so it doesn't stain.
Second thought Shit:
You're done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realise .... there's more to come.
Pop a vien in your forehead Shit:
The kind that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty and trembling and purple from straining too hard.
Diet Shit:
You shit so much you lose 10 kilos.
Right now Shit:
You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong/Commode Choker Shit:
This is BIG. So big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into small pieces (a coat hanger works well). This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit:
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a huge splash that gets your arse all wet.
Wish Shit:
You sit there all cramped up with a pain in your guts, and fart a few times, but still you don't shit.
Cement lock/ OH GOD Shit:
After you've started this, you'll wish you had an epidural first.
Snake Shit:
This is fairly soft, about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long. Also known as Mr. Wippy when performed outdoors by creative people. Has the potential to become a Torpedo Shit.
Cork Shit/ Floater:
Even after the third flush it is still there. My God how do I get rid of it - the bloody thing is unsinkable! Another one that usually happens at someone else's house.
Volcano Shit:
Like shitting sulphuric acid. Beware of letting any sweat trickle between the cheeks of your arse for the next few days or so. Not safe to eat until your arse stops burning (in fact this is how Mexicans know they are hungry).
Beer Shit:
One of the worst kinds of shit, and also one of the most common. It happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. You spray the bowl from top to bottom so that it looks like it has been blasted with a shotgun loaded with oregano and you wonder how your arsehole could point in so many directions at once. Then you discover that there is bugger all toilet paper and no loo brush to clean the bowl. If you're in a combined toilet/bathroom, there is usually someone standing outside waiting to use it after you. Another kind of shit that usually happens at someone else's house.
http://forums.frugalsworld.com/ubb/ubbhtml/biggrin.gif
__________________
Triton
ps...Hey Haole ...now we know what really happened to the King :bigsmile: