View Full Version : Joke thread...
rjetster
10-21-2004, 16:31
This one has been floating around for a while...
"A War In Iraq"
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down
a road when they hear a voice call from behind
a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better
than ten Iraqis!"
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best
soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle
breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out,"One United States Marine is
better than one hundred Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight
commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again, "One United States
Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand
fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons,
rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is
fought. Then silence, eventually one wounded Iraqi
fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying
words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two
of them!"
rjetster
That's a pissa...... that has got to be the best I have read in a long time :bounce:
Crease-guard
10-22-2004, 07:35
That's good, I like that one.
Jay
How do I raise a Fluff Bunny that I have adopted ......... ? .......... And how do you tell if its a boy or girl ........ ? .......... :sad:
Red Gold and Green
10-24-2004, 11:14
A grasshopper walks into a pub, and after visiting the smoke machine heads to the bar. The barman notices the grasshopper, and says, "Oi, we've got a drink named after you!." And the grasshopper turns to him and says "What?.... Kevin??"
rjetster
10-24-2004, 11:37
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what
rjetster
Dirty Dawg
10-24-2004, 18:16
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's teenage daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!" :thumb:
Who's been "hunning" about, eh DD??? :wink2:
A young woman from Wellington was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night be brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain . "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors" she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is", the Captain said... "Lady, this is the Cook Strait Ferry!"
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an drinks cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN car keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the loo door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.
2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
Wipsnake
10-25-2004, 10:27
What"s red and looks like a bucket
A red bucket!! :bigsmile:
Sun Stealer
10-25-2004, 17:28
A man walks up to the counter in a pet shop.
"I'd like to buy a Wasp please?"
"A Wasp? I'm afraid we don't sell Wasps."
"Well, you've got one in the window!"
.
Dirty Dawg
10-27-2004, 05:47
Guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two brainiacs go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and, of course, the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on.
Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks and a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill... Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse.
Now, to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer,the guns AND THE DOG????? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice -all to the woe of the two idiots who are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the heck to do now...
The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal labrador retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked.. Finally, one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog.
This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duckshot and hardly effective enough to stop a black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared.
Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.
BOOM ! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy... He had yet to make his first car payment.
baghdaddy
10-29-2004, 02:08
Mary had a little lamb
It ran straight into a pylon
10 000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool into nylon
baghdaddy
10-29-2004, 02:19
Report from Jnn (Joke News Network)
The latest report from our correspondent in Iraq is that the Iraqi ministry of information changed the names of vital Iraqi cities to confuse the American coalition war effort. JNN has obtained a secret document with some of the new names.
WAZ DAD A BOMB
ITINK WERE FLUKET
MI TURBAN IZ BURNIN
WERZ MI CAMMELL
RAN FOR DA HILSS
KIZZ YOURE AZZ GUD BUY
OZHIT DISIZ BAD
WATUFUK WAZZI TINKIN
PLIZ STOPPA DIIZ ZHITT
baghdaddy
10-29-2004, 02:22
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front ~
but she didn't wear that one very often.
****
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.
****
Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you d/ickhead."
****
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "F--- him, he's only an egg."
Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
****
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
and now, there's little Frankie
Red Gold and Green
10-31-2004, 05:06
^^:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :clap: ^^^
...........Why is 6 scared of 7 ??
Because 7 8 9
Luis Javier
11-19-2004, 08:11
3 crazy people are facing their final test to see if they are sane enough to get out of the mental hospital:
The doctor asks:
- 6x6?
The first one answers:
- February.
The second answers:
- 1000.
The third answers:
- 36.
The doctor surprised asks him:
- How did you get to that conclusion?
The third says:
- Easy, i divided february among 1000.
:bounce:
Keep it comin'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson had turned in after a long day on safari.In the early hours Watson wakes up Sherlock,pointing up he says "I say old chap,what do you make of this?"
Sherlock sighs at the familiar old question and examines the night sky.
"Well Watson," he says "Astronomically speaking,according to the positions of the various constellations I'd say we're in Africa just north of the equator, Horologically speaking according to the position of the stars I'd say it's 2:17am and meteorologically speaking, without a cloud in the sky I'd say we're going to have some good weather tomorrow.Now what do you make of it Watson?"
"Well Holmes, you dumb f**k Londoner" says the old Doctor "I think some ass.hole stole our f**ckin' tent!!"
This big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced. "Springbok". Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared. "And shot with a .22 rifle". The others could not believe it (he was right, of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again.
This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife. "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?".
And his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course."
"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone: "Skunk, killed with an axe."
Cheers,
Nev
Red Gold and Green
02-08-2005, 13:29
A Sergeant Major stands out in front of a platoon of soldiers
"Today, Ladies! We will be taking our first parachute jump! This is the first part of your training to become Elite Para-troopers"
The Sergeant walks up and down the front row of the platoon inspecting their presentation.
With a snort he wheels about and addresses the troops once more;
"You will be taken up to 10,000 feet at which point you will jump. At 5000 feet you will pull your rip cord and your parachute will deploy! Any Questions?"
"Sir!" Cpl Baines pipes up.
"What is it Cpl?"
"Sir, well, what if the parachute dosent open?"
"Well thats simple" The Sergeant replies, "At 2000 feet you pull your backup line!"
"Now.." The Sergeant continues but is interupted by Cpl Baines,
"But Sir, what if the second parachute doesn't open either?"
"In that case you pull your third line at 300 feet Cpl, understood?" The Sergeant continues, but is cut short by Cpl Baines once more.
"What is it Cpl Baines!?"
"Sir, what if the third line dosent open either sir?" Says Baines looking more and more distressed.
"Then you pull your final cord at 15 feet Cpl!" Says the Sergeant.
"But Sir" says Cpl Baines,
"What is it Cpl!?" Bellows the Sergeant.
"What if that cord dosent work either sir?"
"Well You can jump 15 feet!,, cant you Baines!?"
Warchild_82
02-09-2005, 20:46
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves??
RUSSELL!!!!!!!!!!! :bounce:
Warchild_82
02-09-2005, 20:48
Here's a good owl irish one for ya!
What is the kerry mans latest invention!?!!
A wheelchair with pedals... :orange:
Warchild_82
02-09-2005, 20:52
Sorry about this one, but i had to put it in, its not a joke, but my god, i was crying after this one!! :clap:
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants - open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over.. naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day; Boks beating Oz by 30 points
9 ..30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Hammer_61
02-09-2005, 21:12
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
Hammer_61
02-09-2005, 21:17
Two women, one from the north (US) and one from the south (US), are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
Hammer_61
02-09-2005, 21:20
Sorry about this one, but i had to put it in, its not a joke, but my god, i was crying after this one!! :clap:
I absolutely died over this one. This deserves rep. :alcohol:
Hammer_61
02-09-2005, 21:23
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves??
RUSSELL!!!!!!!!!!! :bounce:
-in a ditch: Phil.
-in front of a door: Matt.
-in the swimming pool: Bob.
Warchild_82
02-09-2005, 23:42
Why thank you hammer, i must admit i was crying with laughter for about ten minutes after i read it!!!!!!! :jester:
Red Gold and Green
02-10-2005, 00:49
What do you call a Nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sistermatic
A man with a seagull on his head,
Cliff
Shovel on his head,
Doug
Red Gold and Green
02-10-2005, 00:54
Sorry about this one, but i had to put it in, its not a joke, but my god, i was crying after this one!! :clap:
Had me in stitches :bounce:
Red Gold and Green
01-23-2006, 07:03
A guy walks into a bar and there's this beautifull women sitting there having a drink. He orders a drink and the they sit together for a while. The women then leans over towards the guy and says, "I want you to make me feel like a real women."
The guy takes off his jacket and says, "I need this ironed."
Two guys walk into a bar and order drinks for everyone there. There slapping each other on the back and having a wail of a time, and the barman asks, "Whats the occasion, what are you guys celebrating?"
One of the guys replies, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and we did it in 3 months"
The barman says, "3 months! A puzzle should'nt take 3 months to do!"
"Oh yeah!?" replies the guy, "On the box it said 2-4 years!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of the finest single malt whiskey. He throws 'em down one after the other. The barman says "You look like your in a hurry?"
The guy says "You would be too if you had what i had..."
"Why, what you got?" The barman asks.
Guy,- "About 50 cents."
Red Gold and Green
02-02-2006, 13:21
It's April the first and a 737 is about ready to depart.
The pilot and co-pilot enter the aircraft from the rear and make their way to the cockpit. Both are wearing sunglasses and the #2 is carrying a white cane which he uses to find his way forward, the pilot has a guide dog. Their are some odd looks from the passengers and some concerned ones too, whilst some giggles from others.
The plane taxi's out and begins its run. The engines are thundering away and the aircraft quickly reaches takeoff speed, but continues on down the runway. The passengers become ever more tense as the plane continues to accelerate. "Why is'nt he pulling up!" someone cries out, and babies start wailing and the people are really starting to worry. Yet still the 737 continues to accelerate without pitching up and the passengers start to scream "AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Just at that moment the aircraft pitches up and they are rising gracefully into the air.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "You know one of these days there going to scream too late and were going to get ourselves killed!"
I think thats the best pilot joke i heard so far. Keep them coming :thumb:
rjetster
02-02-2006, 15:14
Haha...:clap:
Red Gold and Green
02-04-2006, 00:57
And for $25
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y112/Outlaw11/moron.jpg
RightSideBomb
02-04-2006, 16:11
:nuke: Lmao
rjetster
02-04-2006, 18:36
From our friend Andy...
WISE WORD TO THE WARY Watch out..... I am a victim of the latest scam
which is happening at the East End Malls. Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking your car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look, when you thank them and offer them a tip, they say No and beg you for a ride to the Jefferson Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start having *** in the back seat. Then one of them performs oral *** on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday. Be careful. :bigsmile:
* just in case there are a few youngish ones...
Buckshot
02-04-2006, 19:44
Umm, which mall exactly? and what is the best time to find them? :wink2:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v46/Chickensal/post-72-1139030861.jpg
Cdr. Instigator
02-08-2006, 19:59
A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Billy Ray, way in the back raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy Ray replied, "Daaaang!!! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!
:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
Cdr. Instigator
02-08-2006, 23:49
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks: "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? "Just a minute, I have to go pee".
"That would be rude and impolite! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
Here is one to really make all the ones before this look really good........
Why is it that you can never remember or recognise the pilot who flew you?
Because when they are working they are always in Disguise (De skies).:doh: :red:
Sorry I'm leaving before the virtual tomatoes and stuff reach me.
Sun Stealer
02-14-2006, 07:42
Here is one to really make all the ones before this look really good........
Man, thats really scraping the barrel, lol :clap:
.
Here is another bad one dragged from the bitter dregs of the barrel:-
The Manager of a gym near the "Top Gun" base approached the base commander to supply a panel of Navy Pilots to judge a series of digital short films of various members mid riffs and choose a winner based on the flatest stomach at their annual competition.
The Gym manager was disappointed to get an emphatic "No" with no hesitation from the Base Commander. So he asked him why the refusal with no consideration.
The Base Commander replied " It's because we are Navel AVI 'aters.":nono: (u get it yet):wink2:
BTW no contract to silence me has ever been successful.:evils:
Bye.
*needs to tickle himself under arm to start laughing*
Nikolas_A
02-16-2006, 11:49
*needs to tickle himself under arm to start laughing*
... but it doesn't work
But you all put yourselves at risk of bird flu by using feathers. My poor jokes may be bad but they are not worth killing yourselves over.
Sun Stealer
02-18-2006, 07:58
BTW no contract to silence me has ever been successful.:evils:
Theres always the IDOD :smile:
.
Theres always the IDOD :smile:
.
Shhhhhhhhh!
Don't say that too loud!.........
They might here. :wacko:
Originally Posted by Sun Stealer
Theres always the IDOD
Shhhhhhhhh!
Don't say that too loud!.........
They might here. :wacko:
Nope I'm tone deaf, no impact there I'm afraid....
International Day of Drinking. (Mmm that might work, but they'd never invite me because of my baaaad jokes.:sad:
Cdr. Instigator
02-22-2006, 08:14
I had to repost some of this...since theyare so hilarious !!!!
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Richard_H
02-24-2006, 11:06
those chucknorris facts are hilarious.
www.chucknorrisfacts.com
liquid_rockface
02-24-2006, 11:45
I doubt Chuck Norris will be buying Fighter Ops, after the way we've all laughed at him!!! Anyway, I doubt he'd be interested....there's no roundhouse kicking in FO :tongue:
drawninward
02-24-2006, 15:22
I doubt Chuck Norris will be buying Fighter Ops, after the way we've all laughed at him!!!
With him! With him!!! not at him...if he heard you laughing at him, you'd probably only have 1.03 seconds to live.
these ones on Vin Diesel are good.
http://www.4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=vin
liquid_rockface
02-24-2006, 17:20
Yes yes of course, WITH him!
I saw a page somewhere where he mentioned the Chuck Norris "trivia" jokes, and said that it doesn't really bother him, and it might even encourage people to read his autobiography. He even said that he finds some of them funny. How do we know when Chuck Norris finds something funny? Momentarily (but just for a millionth of a second) there are no earthquakes or lightning strikes anywhere in the world!
Ah, found it:
http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx
drawninward
02-24-2006, 17:46
on this link they list chuck norris' actual favorites
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
Red Gold and Green
02-24-2006, 19:13
Yes yes of course, WITH him!
Negative
AT him!
Chuck Norris sucks! :)
!Whack!
Yeah, stay down Chucky boy.........
liquid_rockface
02-25-2006, 06:50
drawninward, they seem to have removed that page!!! It was there yesterday, I went there!
I'm not sure about it being Chuck's favourites though....he doesn't seem to be particularly involved in the whole joke
A chap, sitting in Harry's Bar at Singapore's Changi Airport, noticed a very
beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant.
I wonder which airline she works for?
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
" love to fly and it shows? "
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
" Oh crap, she obviously doesn't work for Delta "
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again,
" something special in the air? "
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:
"smooth as silk?"
This time the woman turned on him
" Exactly what the f**k do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
"Ahhhhh........................
Qantas!"
:smile:
LOL COBRA i love that one :D hahahahah
Cougar12dk
03-02-2006, 14:51
F*ucking hilarious man :)
drawninward
03-02-2006, 17:46
drawninward, they seem to have removed that page!!! It was there yesterday, I went there!
yea it seems to be acting up..these are the ones chuck said he liked (according to the site):
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
My wife left me - I don't understand!
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, and
I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a
12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day she came
home from grocery shopping, and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in
makeup I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up
anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you"
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
Red Gold and Green
03-09-2006, 23:48
Hehehee
A man walks into a bar and asks for a shot of whiskey.
The barman pours him one, and the man drinks it down.
He looks in his pocket and says; "Get me another shot"
The barman pours the man a drink,, the man drinks it, looks in his pocket and says; "Barman pour me another shot"
The barman pours the guy a shot, the man drinks it and looks in his pocket.
The barman asks "What have you got in your pocket there mister, every time you drink you have a look in your pocket, whats the story?"
"Well" says the man,,, ,, "It's a picture of my wife. And when she starts looking good, i know it's time to go home"
Cougar12dk
03-10-2006, 05:52
@Cobra+ Red Gold and Green: HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ahhh. Thank you :)
Red Gold and Green
04-27-2006, 01:40
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y112/Outlaw11/nicola.gif
klhaviation
04-27-2006, 13:44
What is the most dangerous thing in the cockpit???
(Punchline to be posted later...Feel Free to respond)
What is the most dangerous thing in the cockpit???
(Punchline to be posted later...Feel Free to respond)
A flying tow bar ? :confused:
you know you've seen it too :tongue: ..
Funky
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y112/Outlaw11/nicola.gif
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!
that is a true letter from a little girl on a Qantas flight, handed to one of the chooks, i mean Flight Attendants, to be given to the Captain.
:smile:
klhaviation
04-27-2006, 23:34
What is the most dangerous thing in the cockpit???
(Punchline to be posted later...Feel Free to respond)
Answer: A Flight Attendent with a chipped tooth...:tomato
If you didn't get it ask Cobra for an explanation...He's an airline pilot and knows all about this kind of stuff LOL.
Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,
and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but,
true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
" Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... ........
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees, a Ham Bush"
:lol
Red Gold and Green
05-29-2006, 22:57
Ahha Ahhahha haaa ahaa haaa... haa......ha .....aah...............
liquid_rockface
05-30-2006, 06:42
LMAO that was a funny one, Cobra!!!! Can you explain the chipped tooth one please?
LMAO that was a funny one, Cobra!!!! Can you explain the chipped tooth one please?
I have no idea what he is talking about.
:whistling
fatb0y60
05-30-2006, 08:26
thats got to be the best joke Ive ever heard!
Heres a good one:bigsmile:
Mr. Bill Fenton; Multiple Complaints
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below
15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. 15th June: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. 2nd July: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. 7th July: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. 19th July: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. 4th August: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layby.
6. 14th September: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. 15th September: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. 23rd September: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. 4th October: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. 10th November: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. 3rd December: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. 6th December: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. 18th December: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. 21st December: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voicesagain!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. 23rd December: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Richard_H
06-13-2006, 15:34
I doubt Chuck Norris will be buying Fighter Ops, after the way we've all laughed at him!!! Anyway, I doubt he'd be interested....there's no roundhouse kicking in FO :tongue:
With him! man!
Chuck norris can roundhouse kick you anywhere!
Richard_H
06-13-2006, 15:39
here's anotherone.
in an airport in dresden, the air traffic controllers are used to the pilots knowing their way to the parking. But this time a british airways pilot on his flight to dresden didn't know where to go next after he'd landed. "Flight BA219 don't you know where to go"? "No im looking it up now as we speak, ATC" -- "Flight BA219 Have you never been to Dresden before?" "ATC, Yes, in 1944 , but i didn't stop.
(it may be a true story)
:thumb:
Red Gold and Green
06-13-2006, 19:15
Ouch
lol im german and i think that joke is hilarious! :D *thumbs up*
C6,
Flip
Richard_H
06-15-2006, 07:15
Here's some more.
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations:
The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.
Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.
Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.
Here's some more.
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations:
The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.
Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.
Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.
Didn't read the whole thread but, so I don't know if they allready have been posted:
Remember that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Never get into a foxhole with somebody that is braver then you.
No plan survives the first contact with the enemy.
man those are awful dude im serious, not nice. I mean..i hope they dont portray your REAL position towards the french. OMG dude..those are ****in flat..
Flip
Bosniaguy
06-15-2006, 09:43
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he
gets in he notices a huge black dude standing
next to him. The big black dude looks down upon
the small white guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy
faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy
and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking
him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did
you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot
tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball,
3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought
you said 'Turn around.'"
I'm sure Richard meant those comments in a harmless way, but unfortuantely they were a little too over the top for these boards.
Please remember when you are posting jokes this is an international board and what some see as humour is derogatory too others.
Otherwise keep em coming.
:smile:
SpinKick
06-15-2006, 11:14
I agree, Cobra. I've heard most of those jokes (by Richard) before, so he isn't the author.
I don't think any of us of any nationality should read this thread if we get our feelings hurt easily! :)
Richard_H
06-15-2006, 14:02
man those are awful dude im serious, not nice. I mean..i hope they dont portray your REAL position towards the french. OMG dude..those are ****in flat..
Flip
i got those from the internet, and no i dont have anything against the frenchmen. they are purely JOKES. if i offended anyone then im sorry.
what i dont understand though is that the message got deleted because of racial comments-- french people aren't a human race, being caucausian is. or black or asian whatever.
Richard_H
06-15-2006, 14:04
I'm sure Richard meant those comments in a harmless way, but unfortuantely they were a little too over the top for these boards.
Please remember when you are posting jokes this is an international board and what some see as humour is derogatory too others.
Otherwise keep em coming.
:smile:
i apologise if they were over the top.
and yes i didn't mean to harm anyone, just to get that cleared.
sorry guys.
Red Gold and Green
06-16-2006, 01:27
Here's some more.
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations:
The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.
Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.
Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.
Funny Sh*t!
Red Gold and Green
06-16-2006, 01:34
Aussie Farmer;
"Well that's it mate, this drought has cleaned me out, im heading over east to Adelaide, nothing more i can do here"
His mate;
"Sorry to hear that mate.....
.... So what route are you taking?"
Farmer;
"Oh i'll take the wife, she's stuck with me through all the hard times"
Richard_H
06-16-2006, 10:52
Aussie Farmer;
"Well that's it mate, this drought has cleaned me out, im heading over east to Adelaide, nothing more i can do here"
His mate;
"Sorry to hear that mate.....
.... So what route are you taking?"
Farmer;
"Oh i'll take the wife, she's stuck with me through all the hard times"
:lol thats a good one!
I doubt Chuck Norris will be buying Fighter Ops, after the way we've all laughed at him!!! Anyway, I doubt he'd be interested....there's no roundhouse kicking in FO :tongue:
Chuck dosen't need fighter-ops because he has the real thing...
http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a63/phantomwsl11/Picture135.jpg
http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a63/phantomwsl11/Picture136.jpg
Now thats something i didnt expect to see, im sure that aircraft has over 100 confirmed kills by itself.
Richard_H
06-17-2006, 12:35
Now thats something i didnt expect to see, im sure that aircraft has over 100 confirmed kills by itself.
Chuck norris doesn' have to Confirm Kills
fatb0y60
06-18-2006, 05:41
Man all that hornet has to do is pretend to drop bombs, fly by and kill all the enemy
It prolly has an unlimited combat radius, max speed, min speed, G-rating and acceleration and much much more
it doesnt even need a pilot dude..^^
Red Gold and Green
06-18-2006, 15:06
Chuck Norris sucks.
That aircraft has been defaced.
Chuck Norris sucks.
That aircraft has been defaced.
:rofl
rep inbound!
Funky
liquid_rockface
06-21-2006, 14:12
What did the doctor say to Bill Gates when his son was born?
..........
..........
..........
"You've got male" :rofl :rofl
Just made that up now...:tongue:
I can just FEEL the incoming positive rep :bigsmile:
SpinKick
06-21-2006, 15:27
...hang on mr. gates... He needs to be rebooted before you take him home. :)
We had just reached our cruising altitude on a flight from Salt Lake City to Atlanta when the Capitan got on the PA to tell us the alt we'd be cruising at and what our eta was. After his announcement he forgot to unkey the mic and continued to tell the FO "man I could sure use a cup of coffee and a blow job". Instantly a flight attendent ran passed us to tell the Capt. the mic was still keyed. When the guy sitting next to me yelled out "don't forget the coffee!"
:bigeyes:
Sun Stealer
06-26-2006, 13:34
"You've got male" :rofl :rofl
Thats bloody terrible Liquid! :tongue: But I find myself laughing. :bigsmile:
.
liquid_rockface
06-27-2006, 04:05
Terrible?? I thought that was pretty good! And as far as I know it's completely original too! Now where's the address for the Reader's Digest again...
Don't judge too quickly...
http://reklama.ameriquest.patrz.pl/
This is a MUST HAVE if you work in an office!
USB Missile Launcher (http://www.pccasegear.com.au/prod3843.htm)
:lol
...hang on mr. gates... He needs to be rebooted before you take him home. :)
Thats fine, just as long as you don't slick his hard drive.
RedRover
07-03-2006, 19:44
This is from my (at the time) 8 year old neice. Upon hearing the successful cloning of a sheep, my neice proclaimed to the family... "I bet those people in India sure are happy about this being with a sheep and not a Lama". To the amused bewilderment of us, of course the response from us was "and why is that?" Without missing a beat, she says "because what in the world would they do with two Dolly LAMAS"... :bigeyes:
Red Gold and Green
08-07-2006, 20:31
Two guy's are having some drinks at the bar at the top of the Empire state bulding....
The first guy says "Hey i found out last week that if you jump of the balcony, by the time you reach the tenth floor, the wind is so strong it cushions your fall and drops you gently in through the open window. "Yeah right how drunk do you think i am ?!"
The barman is wiping some glasses, shaking his head, but says nothing.
The first guy says, "Alright ill show you" And he jumps off the balcony and by the time he reaches the tenth floor the wind is so strong it cushions his fall and drops him gently in through an open window. He gets the elevator back up to the top.
"You see!" he says.
"I cant beleive it!" The second guy says "that's scientifically impossible, but i saw it with my own eyes!"
"You try it" the first guy says.
"No way!"
"Ok ill show you again" And he jumps off the balcony again and lands safely in the 10th floor window. He grabs the elevator back up.
"Wow! It's true" The second guy says.
"You have a go then" The first guy says.
"Ok! ill give it a go", and he jumps off the balcony and plunges straight past the tenth floor and into the hard concrete with a mighty THUD!
The Barman turns to the first guy and says,
"Jeez Superman your a real bastard when your drunk."
:)
Richard_H
08-07-2006, 21:31
haha, good one!
keep em comin!
This isn't really a joke. It's actually more of a true story, but it's still funny.
I'm from Las Vegas, Nevada in the U.S.A. and although the city is located in the desert and it's very hot down there, it's surrounded by mountains so that during certain parts of the year it gets very cold up there in the mountains. Sometimes it even snows. One year we had a blizzard up there. Back then my uncle lived up in the mountains and made a two hour commute to work every morning to work down in the city. Well, on the morning that the blizzard was moving in, my uncle left for work, but apparently he forgot to check the weather forcast because he let his cat out to roam around while he was gone. When he came back that night it was snowing like crazy, the temperature was below zero...and that's when he remembered the cat. He got pretty frightened for it, I can tell you, but he finally found it on the porch with one foot stuck in between two boards. The poor cat was frozen just about stiff and was pretty much dead, but being the strange guy that my uncle is, he freed the cat's foot and took it inside to call the vet anyways. Now up in the mountains it is very remote so they have to have doctors that make housecalls. So he calls up the vet, and the vet came over (he lived right next door). My uncle put the frozen cat on the table and the vet looked him over for a minute. Then he told my uncle to get a funnel and some gasoline. My uncle did so, and the vet pried the cat's frozen mouth open. Then he put the funnel down it's throat. He took the gasoline and poured it very slowly into the funnel and down the cat's throat. The vet stood back and my uncle stepped up next to him to watch. Then, right before their eyes, the cat began to shake and vibrate. A wierd sound came out of it's throat like a gurgling mew, and then all of a sudden it took off like a shot across the room over a couch and under a table and ran right up one of the walls where it stopped halfways, motionless, not making a sound. My uncle got kinda worked up and asked the vet why the cat stopped moving. The vet just shrugged and said, "Guess it ran out of gas." (j/k)
Richard_H
08-08-2006, 07:43
This isn't really a joke. It's actually more of a true story, but it's still funny.
I'm from Las Vegas, Nevada in the U.S.A. and although the city is located in the desert and it's very hot down there, it's surrounded by mountains so that during certain parts of the year it gets very cold up there in the mountains. Sometimes it even snows. One year we had a blizzard up there. Back then my uncle lived up in the mountains and made a two hour commute to work every morning to work down in the city. Well, on the morning that the blizzard was moving in, my uncle left for work, but apparently he forgot to check the weather forcast because he let his cat out to roam around while he was gone. When he came back that night it was snowing like crazy, the temperature was below zero...and that's when he remembered the cat. He got pretty frightened for it, I can tell you, but he finally found it on the porch with one foot stuck in between two boards. The poor cat was frozen just about stiff and was pretty much dead, but being the strange guy that my uncle is, he freed the cat's foot and took it inside to call the vet anyways. Now up in the mountains it is very remote so they have to have doctors that make housecalls. So he calls up the vet, and the vet came over (he lived right next door). My uncle put the frozen cat on the table and the vet looked him over for a minute. Then he told my uncle to get a funnel and some gasoline. My uncle did so, and the vet pried the cat's frozen mouth open. Then he put the funnel down it's throat. He took the gasoline and poured it very slowly into the funnel and down the cat's throat. The vet stood back and my uncle stepped up next to him to watch. Then, right before their eyes, the cat began to shake and vibrate. A wierd sound came out of it's throat like a gurgling mew, and then all of a sudden it took off like a shot across the room over a couch and under a table and ran right up one of the walls where it stopped halfways, motionless, not making a sound. My uncle got kinda worked up and asked the vet why the cat stopped moving. The vet just shrugged and said, "Guess it ran out of gas." (j/k)
:thumb:
MichaelH
08-10-2006, 09:22
Always been in my top 5...
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat And kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got Back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A Kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......."
The old woman fainted.
Richard_H
08-10-2006, 18:47
Always been in my top 5...
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat And kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got Back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A Kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......."
The old woman fainted.
best one so far:lol
Red Gold and Green
11-21-2006, 02:17
To join the CIA.......
After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists.
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun and said "we must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. " I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: women are evil. Don't mess with them.
Red Gold and Green
11-21-2006, 02:18
Why do the English make better lovers than the French ?
Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 90 minutes.....
and still come second!
Red Gold and Green
11-21-2006, 02:21
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser male, 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
Q: If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? A: Because if it walked it would be mugged
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi? A. A Burglar
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a tie? A. The accused
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside? A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut? A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut
Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform? A: Big Mac and fries please
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night? A: What you looking at?
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit A: The Bride
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Due to the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. Finally, the salary package is £3,200,000 a year". The scouser said "You're bullsh1tt1ng me!" The man behind the counter said "Well you started it."
Red Gold and Green
11-21-2006, 02:28
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go? "The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. "The second dwarf shook his head... "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
Red Gold and Green
11-21-2006, 02:38
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
MichaelH
11-21-2006, 02:44
This is another long one...
Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
MichaelH
11-21-2006, 02:45
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails
3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
MichaelH
11-21-2006, 02:45
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
MichaelH
11-21-2006, 02:46
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
rofl, that was hillarious Michael! :thumb:
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
:thumb: Nice one, this... try to guess if they would be used also underwater :bigsmile:
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
Eerrr... let me think a little, could the other use be the opposite of the suggested one? :wink2: :bigsmile:
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
Oouchhh... :bigsmile:
Thanks a lot, Red, you were able to make me laugh in such an awful day like this one...
Jackal out.
This one had me cracking up.:bigsmile:
http://users.telenet.be/verbist.dirk/Demolitioncall.wma
Dirk
Red Gold and Green
12-01-2006, 19:13
Heehehe
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
Playloud
12-01-2006, 19:31
Heehehe
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
lol. That's great!
Sundowner
12-01-2006, 20:20
1 star hangover...
6 star hangover...
Oh come on, those are not hangovers :tongue:... yet.... yup been there, done that :lol.
ROFL with those last 2 ones hahahaha
Nikolas_A
12-03-2006, 10:15
Hangover Ratings
Good one, but:
5 star hangover
...
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
...
If you were sober enough to brush your teeth it can't be worse than a 2 star...
Nikolas
Appclypse
12-03-2006, 13:54
A war vetren goes into a girls school to talk in an assembly about his war experiences. He starts one of his stories about on of his missons.
"Well i was flying my plane information with my squadren when suddenly a German Foker comes out of the clouds to my right"
All the girls gasp and start laughing and the head teachers says
"Calm down girls!! A foker is a type of plane"
The war Vetren says "Sept this FOKER! was a Messerschmitt"
A war vetren goes into a girls school to talk in an assembly about his war experiences. He starts one of his stories about on of his missons.
"Well i was flying my plane information with my squadren when suddenly a German Foker comes out of the clouds to my right"
All the girls gasp and start laughing and the head teachers says
"Calm down girls!! A foker is a type of plane"
The war Vetren says "Sept this FOKER! was a Messerschmitt"
:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
flip
Richard_H
12-03-2006, 16:21
A war vetren goes into a girls school to talk in an assembly about his war experiences. He starts one of his stories about on of his missons.
"Well i was flying my plane information with my squadren when suddenly a German Foker comes out of the clouds to my right"
All the girls gasp and start laughing and the head teachers says
"Calm down girls!! A foker is a type of plane"
The war Vetren says "Sept this FOKER! was a Messerschmitt"
there's many versions of that, i've heard one with a bbc reporter interviewing a spitfire pilot and so on..
Appclypse
12-03-2006, 17:56
LOL yh i heard it from my dad orignally, god knows where he heard it.
Playloud
12-04-2006, 22:34
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
Cougar12dk
12-05-2006, 02:48
Lol!!!! :rofl :bigsmile: :tongue: :thumb:
Richard_H
12-05-2006, 08:15
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
Haha, hilarious!
Appclypse
12-05-2006, 14:43
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
MY GOD, I am from Britain i don't wanna die :rofl .
I didn't think Americans spoke English??
:rofl
I didn't think Americans spoke English??
:rofl
no, that's the Australians :tongue: :bigsmile:
MichaelH
12-05-2006, 21:23
no, that's the Australians :tongue: :bigsmile:
It's true, we turn sentances into one word
eg: Gdaymartowyagon?
"Good day mate, how are you going?"
Red Gold and Green
12-06-2006, 21:40
Gdaymartowyagonbut?
Common use of the word but in Australian.
An important and versatile watsit
Red Gold and Green
01-18-2007, 04:29
New Wine for SENIORS
California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as...
Pinot More.
New Wine for SENIORS
California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as...
Pinot More.
Good to know, Red... sooner or later I have to suggest this to some friend of mine who makes that quality of wine in Friuli. :wink2: :rofl
Jackal out.
Red Gold and Green
02-12-2007, 20:49
The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook
by Alastair Sutherland
We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever". The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.
October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.
October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.
October 6
I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarettes, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.
October 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried the recipe:
Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish Place the casserole dish in a cold oven.
Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.
October 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. Toward that end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.
November 15
Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
November 30
Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling Blue Spruce in less than 10 minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.
December 1
I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.
liquid_rockface
02-13-2007, 03:12
:confused: :bigeyes: :blank: :confused: That was maybe the most weird thing I've ever read!
Red Gold and Green
02-13-2007, 03:45
He's french
Red Gold and Green
03-13-2007, 17:19
2 Cows are in a field, chewing the cud 'n shootin the breeze.
1stCow; "Hey, are you worried about this Mad Cow disease? I sure am".
2ndCow; "Nah, not me, not worried in the slightest"
1stCow: "Oh no? .....Why not?"
2nd: "Because i'm a chicken"
New Wine for SENIORS
California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as...
Pinot More.
Thx mate. I'll tell this to my girlfriend. One more reason to drink more Ernesto Julio Gallo :wink2:
2 Cows are in a field, chewing the cud 'n shootin the breeze.
1stCow; "Hey, are you worried about this Mad Cow disease? I sure am".
2ndCow; "Nah, not me, not worried in the slightest"
1stCow: "Oh no? .....Why not?"
2nd: "Because i'm a chicken"
If Sigmund Freud wasn't dead, he'd sure be talking to cheeseburgers right now
Red Gold and Green
03-21-2007, 03:01
Girls Biker Bar
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by
mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind --that you
should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and professional
wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and
mutters,
"No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
KING_RICHARD
03-21-2007, 21:48
:lol that was good, i thought it was gonna suck untill i got to the ending
Red Gold and Green
03-24-2007, 04:25
'to do is to be'..............socrates
'to be is to do'...............plato
'do be do be do'...............sinatra
har har ha..........rgg
:rofl I just happen to really like that last one a lot.
Funky
Buckshot
03-24-2007, 04:49
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in...........
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in...........
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
hahahahah! Nice one!
Flip
Sun Stealer
03-24-2007, 09:40
i thought it was gonna suck untill i got to the ending
Thats what I thought about red-heads! :wink2:
.
Red Gold and Green
03-24-2007, 16:55
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee
and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking
Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells
himthe dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.
You talk?" he asks.
" Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a
dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that
I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government,so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired
me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants for the dog.
Ten dollars," the guy says.
Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t. "
Red Gold and Green
05-09-2007, 07:47
A woman had twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A kindly woman has amongst her pets a duck to which she has become very very fond of. One morning she wakes up and finds the duck lying very still on her lawn by the pond. Distraught she rushes to the vet with her duck and pleads tearfully with the vet to resuscitate her favourite duck.
The vet examines the duck very carefully and says compassionately that there is nothing that can be done for the duck it is definitely dead.
The disconsolate woman tells the vet that she cannot accept the diagnosis and that she wants a second opinion. The Vet tells the woman that she is wasting her money as the duck is most definitely deceased. She tearfully insists on a second opinion. So the vet opens the back door and a dog enters puts its front paws on the examining table, sniffs the duck carefully, looks the duck up and down several times and then looks towards the vet and the woman and shakes its head slowly from left to right. The vet says to the woman I'm terribly sorry but the dog confirms it your duck is dead.
Distraught the woman insists on a further test as she cannot believe her duck is dead. The vet cannot dissaude her so reluctantly he opens the back door and a cat enters and leaps onto the examining table and sniffs the duck carefully all over and then looks all over the duck turns to the vet and woman and shakes its head slowly from left to right. The vet tells the woman that it must be certain that the duck is dead.
She reluctantly agrees and asks the vet how much the bill is. He tells her 500 dollars. Outraged and upset she demands to know why it costs so much just to tell her her favourite duck was dead.
The vet says "Well it was 25 dollars for me to tell you the duck was dead. The LAB test added 75 dollars and finally the CAT scan was a further 400 dollars.":bigeyes:
Caddie87th
06-04-2007, 23:48
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, how was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!' "
"T'underin' lard Jesus, Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
Grtz
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, how was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!' "
"T'underin' lard Jesus, Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
Grtz
rep inbound
Breaking news people:-
Have you heard-
Exit signs are on the way out.:red:
Breaking news people:-
Have you heard-
Exit signs are on the way out.:red:
that's a no-starter...
-in a ditch: Phil.
-in front of a door: Matt.
-in the swimming pool: Bob.
ah yes.. Bob.
Remember..it's not just a name.. it what he does...
Don't believe me?.. throw him a apple....
Caddie87th
06-27-2007, 06:30
Here is another one:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit.," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Grtz
Here is another one:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit.," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Grtz
LOL,:rofl could have been me
Caddie87th
07-01-2007, 08:30
In the same line as the last one
Sean got home in the wee hours of the morning after a night of drinking at the local pub. He made such a racket that he woke the missus.
"What on Earth's going on down there, Sean?" she yelled. "Get yourself up here before ye wake the neighbors."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs!" he shouted back.
"Leave it till morning, woncha?"
"I can't," he replied. "I drank it!"
Grtz
So this one is not so funny to some, but my Drill SGT told me it in basic. For some reason I find it hilarious.
So its April 1st, and this lady is 9mo pregnant. She starts going into labor. So her husband grabs her bags, gets her in the car and takes her to the hospital. Shes in labor for hours, and finally the doctor tells her to push real hard he can see the head of the infant. So she pushed real hard and finally the doctor has the infant in his hand.
He spike the child on the floor, jumps on it a few times and punts it into the far wall. The mother is bawling as the bloody mass slides down the wall to the floor. The doctor picks up the remains and says, April Fools it was already dead.
Richard_H
07-03-2007, 16:30
So this one is not so funny to some, but my Drill SGT told me it in basic. For some reason I find it hilarious.
So its April 1st, and this lady is 9mo pregnant. She starts going into labor. So her husband grabs her bags, gets her in the car and takes her to the hospital. Shes in labor for hours, and finally the doctor tells her to push real hard he can see the head of the infant. So she pushed real hard and finally the doctor has the infant in his hand.
He spike the child on the floor, jumps on it a few times and punts it into the far wall. The mother is bawling as the bloody mass slides down the wall to the floor. The doctor picks up the remains and says, April Fools it was already dead.
'Kin brutal!
But still funny!:thumb: :rofl
OMG this one was exellent even though it was just so wrong:rofl :lol :lol :lol
SpinKick
07-05-2007, 11:16
Everybody please stick to real humor. Something like that last "joke" seems funny until you have to bury your own baby.
Caddie87th
07-31-2007, 15:14
Ok to put this thread back on course here is another one from me:
Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Grtz
Richard_H
09-04-2007, 20:45
Another Chuck norris one:
"Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. "
Richard_H
09-04-2007, 20:46
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
Richard_H
09-04-2007, 20:50
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
Richard_H
09-04-2007, 20:52
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Once a dinosaur stepped on Chuck Norris foot........
... and all of us know well how the story ended.
For the dynos, I mean: Norris is still, needless to say it :rofl
Jackal out.
... and all of us know well how the story ended.
For the dynos, I mean: Norris is still, needless to say it :rofl
Jackal out.
:wink2:
Red Gold and Green
09-08-2007, 01:06
THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMS
Log On = Make the barbie hotter
Log Off = Don't add any more wood
Monitor = Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download = Get the firewood off the ute
Hard drive = Trip back home without any cold tinnies
Floppy disk = What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard = Where you hang the ute and bike keys
Window = What you shut when it's cold
Screen = What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte = What mozzies do
Bit = What mozzies did
Mega Byte = What Townsville mozzies do
Chip = A bar snack
Micro Chip = What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem = What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix = Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop = Where the cat sleeps
Software = Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware = Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse = What eats the grain in the shed
Web = What spiders make
Web Site = The shed or under the verandah
Cursor = The old bloke down the pub who swears a lot
Search Engine = What you do when the ute won't go
Yahoo = What you say when the ute does go
Upgrade = A steep hill
Server = The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server = The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Internet = Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape = When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online = When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line = When the pegs don't hold the washing up
Yaya ya ya.....Is Fighter-Ops done yet?
Caddie87th
09-15-2007, 08:32
At The Welfare Office
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his check, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Grtz
Richard_H
09-15-2007, 09:33
At The Welfare Office
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his check, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Grtz
Pure Gold!
Caddie87th
09-16-2007, 06:18
OK another one
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, have been growing in the woods for decades, when a new tree starts growing between them.
The beech says to the birch, "That youngster down there is too far away for me to see clearly, is it a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch responds that the young tree is too far away from it as well. "I cannot tell what it is," he said.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the young tree.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The bird agrees and pecks away at the small tree. Addressing the tall trees, the bird says, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
"It is, however, the finest piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"
Grtz
Caddie87th
09-20-2007, 15:11
Logical Science:
Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit".
Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...
Fred: "Scuse me...no offense meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offense taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example. ...Do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm...well, yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond."
Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."
Fred: "As it happens, yes, I have got a big garden."
Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden that you have a large house."
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself."
Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."
Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"
Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"
They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?
Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope"
Fred: "Well then, you're a Wanker...."
Grtz
Red Gold and Green
09-25-2007, 19:41
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips001.jpg
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips002.jpg
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips003.jpg
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips004.jpg
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips005.jpg
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips006.jpg
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips007.jpg
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips008.jpg
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2007/09/InternetSafetyTips009.jpg
Red Gold and Green
09-25-2007, 19:49
What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?
A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.
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How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."
A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."
At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
---------------------------------------------------------
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "You did it last week!"
Bosniaguy
10-19-2007, 06:09
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
Just gotten this one in the mail.
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
tested and then sanitized '.
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control
department
of Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!:thumb:
There are 3 guys flying in a plane.2 passengers and a pilot.There all have a real nice flight,when all of a sudden the pilot passes out.Oh shoot the 2 passengers are in panic,and grab the controls.Thay call the tower and explain what happened.
The tower responds to the call,telling them to land on runway 2.The guys confirm and start there approach.A few minutes later the plane comes to a screeching stop.The rescue personnel gathers around in disbelief what they saw.How did you manage to land like that!Well it was tough! explained the guys.The runway is to short and way to wide!
Subject: Women are evil......
> A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
> to the bartender who approached her immediately.
> She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
> he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
> asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
> "Actually, no," he replied.
> "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
> hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
> "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
> "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
> forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
> fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
> "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
> "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
> towels in the ladies room
Yummi, now i am scared of thermometers and women.
A friend of mine sent me this:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
haha, that was hilarious!
Richard_H
01-04-2008, 23:24
i cried!! that was hilarious!!
Rep inbound!
Red Gold and Green
03-11-2008, 02:00
Top 45 Oxymoron's:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
Har a har har.
Still here, and still looking forward to the FO.
I might even be a Commercial Pilot with a season under my belt, by the time its released. Funny old world.
~S~
irregular
03-12-2008, 18:40
wow rjetster that first post, best joke i have heard in a long time.
stevetamis
08-01-2009, 09:24
A man walks into a sports bar with his dog. A NASCAR Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr. is doing. The bartender says “Dale Jr is in 35th, not doing so well”. The man’s dog jumps up, and runs around the bars tool 35 times.
Top 45 Oxymoron's:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
Har a har har.
Still here, and still looking forward to the FO.
I might even be a Commercial Pilot with a season under my belt, by the time its released. Funny old world.
~S~
Jumbo shrimp
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